everyone told me not to do it, but i just couldn't help myself. today was the last weekday i had to myself before returning back to work this coming monday. i was warned that i would cry, and if that was the case, i wanted to get it in before the new year. i thought it fitting to leave all the tears behind in 2009. so, with bailey cuddled up with me, i watched the dreaded Marley and Me.cry, i did. bailey climbed up on me and laid on my chest with his head cocked to the side, his ears back, and his eyes intently staring at me. he laid there licking my tears while i watched marley grow old. then of course, like everyone else in the world, i thought about my dog and how sad it will be to see him get old and someday die. bailey was my comfort this year. day after day, he would lay beside me on chemo weeks as if he had undergone treatment as well. his demeanor mirrored mine. if i stayed in bed all day, so did he. neither toys nor treaties interested him. he just wanted to be sick with his momma. and sick we were. then when i got my energy back, so did he and we lived a normal week until the next treatment day arrived. on chemo days, he would watch me get ready in the morning and he would shake as if he knew it was coming. he was empathy personified.
i never really thought about growing old until this year. after 6 months of chemo, i felt as if i had aged 10 years. i'm making strides to reduce that number, but it's been a slow process. aging made me think about joey getting older, which made me more sad than watching marley. then yesterday i was leaving cvs, i walked out behind an old man with a cane who was slowly shuffling outside. i got in my car and thought about my dad who is going to be 60 next year...and i sat there and cried, thinking about my dad shuffling someday. so, i called him and made sure he would do everything in his power to keep from shuffling. thankfully my dad is in better shape than most 30 year olds, so he won't have too much work cut out for him.
gosh, this blog is depressing...
as i look back over this year, i can only be honest and say i'm glad it's over...but i'm also glad it happened. every bit of it...the bad with the good. i went through a refining process and smoothed out my rough edges in the fire. apparently, i am too stubborn and headstrong to change on my own. oh, i'm still uptight and cranky at times...and can be a little demanding if i don't catch myself, so i try asking joey to take out the garbage instead of telling him :) i also realize what's truly important in life. now, more than ever, i make an effort to focus on the positive...even when it seems grim or hopeless. a good attitude and a bad attitude are merely 2 different ways of looking at the same situation. negativity is a trait that should be illegal and i'm doing my best to eliminate it from my life and anywhere near it.
my point is that i'm only bringing positive thoughts into 2010. joey and i thank God every night for the events of this year. we pray that we don't ever take life for granted and we make the most of what we have been given. we strive to be an example to others and live a blameless life.
so, i don't know what 2010 will bring, but i do know that i'm ready for it. i'm ready to start my days with purpose and end them with accomplishments. forget new years resolutions...i have a new lease on life.
the more trying the times the more positive you must be. you must adapt to change, and condition yourself to see it as an opportunity to improve yourself, not as a window to failure. -rick pitino
