Thursday, April 30, 2009

capacity via adversity

it's true...i've been slacking. i know it's bad when "starbucks rich" mentions to joey that i haven't updated my blog. the truth is that round 3 was a little tougher than the first two and i just wasn't feeling inspired to write. here's how it works: every other wednesday, we go to the cancer center where they feed "Fox" her liquid lunch which takes about 3-4 hours. we then go home and i climb into bed, as to not jossle around the kerosene-filled stomach. it's then a crap shoot for the next 6 days. the nausea, fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, and body aches are a given. it's the little daily surprises that keep it fun, like the cellulitis that developed in my vein, the rash that appeared on both arms and magically went away within 10 minutes (two consecutive days), and the sudden loss of vision and sound on any given moment when my blood pressure is too low and my hot flash temperature is too high.

speaking of hot flashes...i just want to take a moment and apologize to all the women who have or are going through menopause. i'll admit that i've rolled my eyes when you were fanning yourself or thought "cry me a river" when you complained about your hot flashes. but i am here to tell the world that hot flashes are no laughing matter. one second you're feeling fine and the next it's like you're being cooked from the inside out. pools of sweat form in a nanosecond and you feel as if you can fry an egg on your body. the doctor thought it best that we force my body into a menopause by shutting down my ovaries. this will give us a better chance at having kids after this whole ordeal is over. so, every month i get an injection into my belly that even the nurses are squeamish of giving because it's the "longest and thickest needle we have." you know it's bad when she says "i'm sorry, baby" as she injects you.

i always used to threaten to shave my head. i never actually believed i would until i did two weeks ago. even then, i was in shock. apparently i thought covering my eyes would help the process, but unlike a gruesome scene on tv, it wasn't all over when i removed my hands. it came after a long weekend of slowly losing about half my head of hair. it was a monday morning and i took bailey to the vet. i wore a hat to ensure my hair would stay put. i started getting really hot but didn't want to take my hat off in fear that all my hair would come off with it. so, after losing my vision and hearing and all the strenth in my legs, i sat down and thought for sure an ambulance would have to be called. thankfully, joey came to my rescue, took me home and gave me a haircut to match his own.

i have heard other female cancer patients say that losing their hair was the one of the toughest aspects of the entire ordeal. was it easy? definitely not. but it was kind of like ripping off a bandaid. don't get me wrong, it's still disheartening to wake up in the morning to see my now short hair all over my pillow. i got a dog that doesn't shed for a reason and now i'm running a lint brush over the couch so our friends don't leave with my hair on their clothes. i may look like GI Jane now, but what will i look like when the rest falls out and my forehead never ends. my ears also get cold pretty easily now and i have to cover my head with a blanket of its own. but it turns out that my head is a lot smaller than i would have thought. that was a pleasant surprise.

so, it's not the adversity that breaks us. it's really how we view it, and ultimately how we decide to portray it. cancer happens. financial hardship happens. heartbreak happens. the beauty is that we get to choose our attitude during these trials. *"if you don't have any problems, you don't have any potential. here's why. your ability to help others heal is limited to where you've been wounded." i had a few rough days that i certainly did not enjoy. the side effects were just a little more heightened than the prior two treatments. but, i knew that after those 6 days, i would get to enjoy a full week of feeling great before my next treatment. the day i feel the best is always the day right before treatment, which just so happens to be my birthday this time. coincidence? maybe. i choose to believe that it's not.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

*taken from the book: "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson


  1. Danielle (M) CareyApril 30, 2009 at 10:38 PM

    you are gorgeous. on the INSIDE and on the OUTSIDE.

    jeremiah 29:11.

  2. you are such an amazing person. I am so inspired reading your entry. God is using you in such a powerful way! Hang on, you are in our prayers and hearts. I hope you have a great weekend with brook and a wonderful birthday!!

  3. I'm impressed that you've read that book! My husband read it and said it was phenomenal... but you really make me want to read it now! Keep the positive attitude!