Monday, February 4, 2013

plans to prosper

So, it's been 3 years since my last blog post and this post-cancer trip pic in Harbour Island.  As I read through all of old posts, I came across a comment from Johanna in response to my sob story that all of my friends had babies and I just had cancer. It said the following: 

pshhht who wants kids anyway??? killing cancer is way easier than raising kids (or so i hear). Besides, thelionchasersguidetoraisingchildren.blogspot was already taken.

Well, I looked it up and it's available. So, for a split second, I thought about changing it...but, aside from it being an obnoxiously long name, I don't really have any parental advice to offer. 

Joey and I didn't quite wait the 2 years the doctor recommended before trying to have a baby. In August of 2010 we found out that I was pregnant. We were elated. I waited for morning sickness to come but it never did. I felt great. Everyone told me, you've been through so deserve to have an easy pregnancy. I started to believe it...I do deserve an easy pregnancy. But 10 weeks in, things started to not feel right and we went in for a ultrasound. I told myself that it was all going to be fine and we sat in the waiting room with all the other pregnant women. I loved being in there...being one of "them."  We were called in and we sat there waiting for the ultrasound technician. Joey made light of the situation and said how he was so excited. The tech came in the room and I watched her face as she performed the sonogram. It had no emotion. I knew it was bad. She turned the screen towards us and said there was no heartbeat. The baby had stopped forming.  I just sat there in shock. How could this be happening to us?  Hadn't we been through enough?  I began to sob. The midwife came in and I heard something about how common this is and how it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me or that it will affect the ability to get pregnant in the future. She was really sweet and soft spoken, but I couldn't focus. They scheduled a D&C and we left. The women in the waiting room who were my kindred moms-to-be just moments before were now strangers who watched the puffy eyed girl leave. They all knew why. 

Depression set in...I had wanted this for so long but now my joy was gone. I couldn't figure out how to be happy again. I laid in bed for a week after the procedure and then went back to work. I just went through the motions. There was no meaning in my job.  I poured everything I had into my work and I started to question if the stress played an impact on the health of my baby.  My company which once had a passion for improving lives had now possessed the same mentality as a used car dealership. My passion was slowly being drained from my body and after standing my ground for my team and my members one too many times, I was let go.  I felt so betrayed by people I once respected, but ultimately the greed of companies stifle the passion.

After the initial shock wore off, I started to feel as if a weight had been lifted. I had been given a get out of jail free card...and in three months, we found out that I was pregnant again. We decided that we wanted to go live a stress free life during my pregnancy, so we packed up and moved to south florida where we have been for almost two years. 

 I am happy to report, to those who might've lost touch or don't know me but follow this blog, that I am now a mom to the most amazing little girl, Hadley Brooke, who just turned 1 last week.  She is the love of my life and Joey and I can't believe that she's ours. My heart aches from being so full.  I guess shutting down my ovaries during chemo paid off afterall.
I decided that even though I'm done killing my cancer, I'm not done helping others do it, so the blog name will remain the same for now.  I ended up back on my blog tonight because an old friend just found out that after 12 years of being "cured" from Leukemia, it's back. I heard the news and have felt sick to my stomach the entire night. I can't imagine having to go through everything all over again...with having children. But, I have learned all too often that life doesn't go as planned. God's plan is greater than ours and it's when we realize that, we can let His peace course through our veins...and that is more powerful than chemo.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11


  1. Wow Rachel, just seeing this now. I didn't realized you had miscarried on top of everything else. So happy to see how God had blessed you in return.

  2. DO you get these comments? I'm gonna start a blog I think. what do you think?
    i'm just trying to figure out this whole blogging thing. and trying to think of something to say in it.